Monday, July 4, 2011

Stripes and Bright Stars

Today was the 4th of July, and as usual we went to Bryan's moms house and had a huge BBQ, candy drop and the epic water fight! Every year before the candy drop they introduce the celebrity guest that comes and speaks to everyone and throws the candy to the little kids. Well last year was tiger woods, but this year had to be more epic. (for all the BYU fans at least) It was Jimmer from BYU that got picked up in the NBA by Sac kings. I'm not a Jimmer fan but he was still funny to say the least.

My whole family came to this event with Bryan's whole family there plus more, it was packed. But the more the better as long as we are with family and friends life couldn't get any better. This one is for the books, EPIC day!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Old post that i never had the strength to publish.

(This was wrote last Christmas, i never had the guts to post it it but i think i am ready for everyone to read it)

This time of year has always been hard on me. Three years ago some say i gave the ultimate gift, that anyone could give. This is the story....

On November 2, 2004-Layne and Rachelle Sondrup had a son named Ashton, He was a cute little boy who was always so very happy, as months went on they noticed that he would hardly move his neck and asked the doctor about it the next time they went in for a check up. The doctor really didn't seem like there was anything wrong just that he was young and was still developing his muscles. 5 months old Ashton died of a very rare disease called Spinal muscular atrophy. It was a heart break for the Sondrups as they mourned over the lose of there only son. Rachelle and Layne both got checked and the doctors told them that all the kids they would have would most likely have this sickness. So in other words telling them that they will not be able to have anymore kids. This was also a heartbreak for these two lovely people as they have always wanted a huge family.

I found out i was pregnant when i was pretty far along, i was only 18 and i was scared, alone, and knew i couldn't raise my son and give him everything i wanted him to have. I knew i wasn't enough for him and i wanted him to have a father in his life who he could look up too and strive to be like. Now for thous of you who don't really know me i am not very spiritual in anyway, but for some reason i felt the spirit in saying who i needed to have this baby for, who was supposed to look after him. Because i wasn't the best for him at that time.

Delivery day-
Friday (Nov-30) The day of delivery came, right when i knew that my water broke at 9 in the morning, i was a week over my due date and was dreading this day with all my life. Well he finally came the next morning Sat (Dec 1, 2007) at 2:48 am, it was so hard, The adoptive parents had been there all day along with my family keeping me company. As the doctor covered me up and let the adoptive dad come in and cut the umbilical cord, i cried, everyone cried. There was so much hope and joy and love in there eyes. But so much sadness in mine. i knew that this gift i was giving them meant the world to them, but it also did for me and i was struggling knowing that he will be going home with them soon.
A few days later it came down to the closing hours of us all being together, and i couldn't even grasp the thought in my mind that i wasn't supposed to take Jamyn home. This was there baby this was there son now. As much as it hurt so bad i knew that he had a family and they will always be there for him. I loved them all so much and was so hurt that i didn't have my son, but i knew it was the right thing for him.
Well after my 2007 year of Christmas, i try and see Christmas for what it truly is. A season of giving to thous who are in need, to help the people who don't have anything, and to show true joy and service by helping others and finding happiness in all that. The true meaning of Christmas. What it should and always be.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Between a rock and a hard place, Adoption..

This is my son, Jamyn.. he made me want to be a better person so he would grow up and actually be proud of who his mother is..

Most of you who know me, know i placed my son for adoption on Dec 1, 2007 almost 3 years ago. To this day i still live with the overwhelmed pain and questioning in my heart, i loved that little boy more than words could describe. He was everything to me. In my recent months as his 3rd birthday draws near i have been thinking a lot about him and just adoption. I could have chosen to keep him yes, but my reason for not weighed my mind and heart down, i knew what i had to do. I knew that i was young and was going to be a single mother, i knew that i wasn't in a good place in my life, not only emotionally but mentally. I knew that he wouldn't have a father. I wasn't the best choice for him period. As much as it pains me to say that the parents i chose for him can raise my son better than i could of back then hurts, but.. its the truth. I wanted Jamyn to have a father, i wanted him to grow up where he can look to both parents, i knew he needed that. I knew he needed parents who he can look up too and be proud of, and what to be them someday. I loved him, and because i did i chose life for him, and not me.. i chose that i would rather suffer then him any day. This was the hardest decision of my life, and i have to live with it everyday. But that's OK, just as long as he knows how much i love and care for him. How much i did want to keep him and just hold him. See his first steps, or hear his first word. I chose the better life for him, the life without me in it.

This is a hard topic for me, but as we are on this i have strong opinions about adoption and the mothers that do it for the right, and the wrong reasons. If you are a women who sleeps around and doesn't give a damn about weather or not you get pregnant because you can take the "easy way out" which most of the world thinks adoption is. Go to hell! (yes excuse my language) You are the women that make this world see that because its the attitudes that you don't care, and you have no heart. And all you need is the affection of a man to feel good about yourself so you sleep with him. For us who just messed up once and actually live with the pain of knowing we aren't good enough for our babes, need the world not to think of us as women who took the "easy way out" but as the strong, selfless women that we have shown to be. Think about someone other than yourself for once, and think about the life you made inside of you and actually take responsibility! Please for once just care about someone other than yourself....

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

SJ Russell Gonzalez

Well i call Bryan today from work with some very important news!! ha ha One of the costumers at my work found a kitten in the tree/bush outside of my work. Well i could only choose one of two choices, Keep her.. or call the pound.. I decided to keep her, OF COURSE! So i brought her home to see how her and Marley would get along, and they didn't. So we are now in the process of getting them to like each other (which is long and hard process). But we named her SJ Russell Gonzalez and she is the newest and youngest member of this family!!

(I hope Marley doesn't stay mad at me forever)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The choices life has you make

There are a lot of things in life that you have to choose either one way or the other. In my life i have had many trials that i have had to go either right or left, some of them i went right and wished i would have just gone the other way once it was over. But in these life changing situations i have grown from all of them and learned to become a better person. Not just for myself but for others around me, family, friends, my son, and thous who might not even know me but can see how i act and who i am. I am very blessed to have learned all the things i have learned threw out my life, even though some of my decisions where the hardest i will ever have to make.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Bunker Photography

This was a all day shoot up in Logan, Utah.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Future Gonzalez

Well i am redoing my blog and i thought it would only be fair to do the biggest life changing thing that has happened to me in the 2010 so far! And that is getting engaged! Well on new years my significant other and i decided to go to Vegas to celebrate coming into the new year, what i didn't realize is that he had a trick under his sleeve! Well we stayed at my favorite Uncle Jeff's and Aunt Junes house like always. But as the day to the new years eve came we spent it doing our traditional Vegas things, going to In & Out, shopping, and going to the Lambo dealership. But as we came aware this year it closed! (the saddest day of our life) But anyways the night of new years came and we were on the strip for probably 8 hours! Well its about to hit midnight and we are across the street from the Bellagio and the count down begins and then it hits 12 right when Bryan started whispering our "saying" in my ear. "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I turned around to face him and asked him why are you saying that? As he holds the ring box in front of my face. The only thing i say is, "Are you serious??" As he shakes his head yes, i just kinda sit there, "Well??" he said oh "YES" ha ha of course! so he puts the ring on and we do all the mussy stuff, hug, kiss, etc. And that is the beginning of Bryan's and my engagement!